This Damn Near Killed me with Laughter

I was crying cuz I was laughing so hard!

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Ed Griffin, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the  judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." 

Here are the score cards from the event: 

Chili #1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili 
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. 
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 
Ed Griffin: Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? You could 
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the 
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. 

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili 
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. 
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 
Ed Griffin: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what 
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. 

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili 
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. 
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Ed Griffin: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose 
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by 
now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the 
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting 
sh!t faced from all the beer. 

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic 
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
Ed Griffin: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it; is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 pound b!tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? 

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover 
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 
Ed Griffin: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead 
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f@rted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p!sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! 

Chili #6: Verbs Very Vegetarian Variety 
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Ed Griffin: I'm starting to sh!t lava! My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh!t myself when I f@rted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slÜt Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my @ss with a snow cone! 

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili 
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress; a vein in his forehead is starting to throb and he is cursing uncontrollably. 
Ed Griffin: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh!t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Are those flames shooting out of MY @ss? 

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili 
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when the vein in Judge Number 3's head burst; he passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? 
Ed Griffin: -------- (editors note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Hypocrisy: The Far Rights Achilles Heel

I get emails.  And I get some doozys.  But one I got at 4:10 this morning really takes the cake for me.  It's from GOPUSA, a far right conservo organization.  Other emails from them have had offers of bumper stickers for sale (Comrade Obama/U.S.S.A.; I'll keep my guns, freedom, and money...you can keep the "change"), and hawked a "plan" from Ann Coulter to "Obama-proof" ones investment portfolio.  It's nice to see that the far right has ramped up its anti-Obama campaign, even before the man has officially become the President.

The latest screed from these folks is about the lawsuits challenging Obama's legitimacy to be President by demanding he present a copy of his birth certificate.  Okay.  Maybe it's time there is a decision from the Supremes about what "natural born citizen" actually means.  I can buy that.  But to couch such a goal in the almost fervent patriotism that is a hallmark of the far right is disgusting.  Examples?  Okay.

From the email:

Enforcing the Constitution of the United States is NOT "garbage"and furthermore, securing the rights of the people under the Constitution is NOT "garbage"!

   The Obama campaign's response is an elitist, condescending slap in the face to patriotic Americans. No one is above the law and Team Obama cannot make the question of Obama's eligibility go away by disrespecting the American people - and by inference, theConstitution of the United States.

  The key is in the following statement which also appears in the Petition:

"Should Senator Obama be discovered, after he takes office, to be ineligible for the Office of President of the United States of America and, thereby, his election declared void, Petitioners, as well as other Americans, will suffer irreparable harm in that an usurper will be sitting as the President of the United States, and none of the treaties, laws, or executive orders signed by him will be valid or legal."

   Part of that statement bears repeating:

"... none of the treaties, laws, or executive orders signed by him will be valid or legal."

   In other words, as long as this case is in the courts, a cloud hangs over Senator Obama's head and for the sake of our Constitution and our Republic, the issue MUST be resolved!

until he can validate that he is constitutionally eligible to be President of the United States, the door will always remain open to question and challenge the legitimacy of his actions and the dire consequences of those actions.

Yes, certainly the Republic will fall unless Obama submits.  I have to issues with this organization pimping this lawsuit (don't they need attorneys for lawsuits?  I thought the Right HATED attorneys?).  First is that I'm left to wonder if GOPUSA had demanded the birth certificate of John McCain?  Or George W. Bush?  Or Bill Clinton?  Or George H.W. Bush?  Or his highness Ronald Reagan?  I"m betting not.  And I wonder why it is that they are asking this now of a black guy who's been elected?  I'll say it...this is racism.  Pure and simple.  They don't want to come out and say it, but they fear a black President.  

My second problem is the kind of language that is used in this email.  They make it seem like literally the Republic will fall.  They say that, "no one is above the law."  I wonder then if they support investigations into the Bush Administration's use of extraordinary rendition?  Into their use of torture against terror suspects?  

Don't those suspects deserve to be treated the same as other suspects under the control of the United States?  I just read the Constitution and the Amendments.  NO WHERE does it say that to enjoy the rights guaranteed in that document one has to be a citizen.  I'm speaking of those rights that pertain to criminal trials and representation, not those that pertain to voting.  If Osama Fucking bin Laden arrives on our shores and is taken into U.S. custody he deserves the same rights as me when it comes to criminal trials.  Where is the GOPUSA in that argument?  

Does the GOPUSA respect the Constitution?  Please.  It's doubtful they've even read it.  Just another psuedo-patriotic organization using fear to extort money from hard working Americans.

BREAKING NEWS!

There is apparently justice in this world.  Pop music idiot Taylor Swift (she's s pop "musician" on a country label) got SNUBBED by the Grammys.  Perhaps by July she won't have a career left.  One can only hope!

War Declared (2008 Edition)

It's that time of the year again my friends.  Fresh snow has fallen and gently covered our corner of the Earth.  Thanksgiving has past and the freezer is stuffed with leftover turkey.  Black Friday has come and gone and the credit card companies got a bailout courtesy of me and millions of my fellow bargain hunters.  There is but one thing left to declare before the "holiday" season gets in full swing.

It's a 

WAR ON CHRISTMAS BABY!

That's right.  It's time for the annual War on Christmas.  Woops...sorry about that my fellow secularists...I meant Xmas.  And it appears that this will be a bloodless win for the secularists.  The leader of the "pro-Xmas" movement, Bill O'Reilly, has apparently decided wave the white flag of surrender.  That's right....Now you can read selections right off the O'Reilly HOLIDAY Reading List.